Illusions

The illusion of happiness.

Unpredictable yet deceptively convincing.

When was the last time something made you happy and you genuinely smiled?

That moment. Have you really thought about it? Why don’t such moments last? Why can’t we be happy all the time? Why is the world overpowered by grief and sorrow?

 Our short lived lives are burdened with pressure from all sides.The world is full of people who are suffering and it is for this exact reason that a few moments of happiness come to us. So that the world doesn't fall apart. People who endure hardships have the hope that someday they’ll be happy. 

This is what keeps them going on. 

 Something that made you happy in the past maybe wasn't worth the trouble at all.

Life isn't a happy journey with a few sad moments. It’s the exact opposite.

Here's my most recent moment of happiness.

Photo Courtesy : www.facebook.com/itsthehappypage

An Empty Life

When do you actually realise that your life is empty ? When you don’t have places to go ? When you are out of things to do ? When you have no one to talk to ?

I spent the whole day doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I woke up. I tried to watch T.V. but there wasn’t anything that could keep me glued on. I tried to listen to music on my phone. That didn’t work. I tried to watch a movie on my laptop. I fell asleep after the first 5 minutes of ‘THE DARK KNIGHT’. Not my fault. Not batman’s either. So i just lay on my bed looking at the ceiling. Only a  gap through the ventilation system let inside a small ray of sunlight.

I rapidly searched through my phone list, but there was no one who i wanted to call. I guess no one wanted to call me also. Not once has my phone rung today. Compared to the millions of calls i was got yesterday because of a problem that happened in college. These kind of things just leave you wondering.

“ Will no one miss me when i am not around ? “

“Will i be like this forever ? “

I thought of every possible scenario where i could be doing something that i would enjoy. It turned out that all these day-dreams ended right where it started. The view of the ceiling.

I am in no mood to share anything, but writing this is the only thing that is keeping me occupied right now.

So people who are reading this, do you really want to be reading my blog or go do something else that you have always wanted ? 

So what are you waiting for ?

WRONG TURN

Sometimes after life becomes a routine, that goes on repeating each and everyday, you need to take a break.

I'd rather be here than anywhere else. 

Racing DNA Unleashed.

Sometimes maybe a 'wrong turn' is all you need to forget everything and immerse yourself in what you truly want.

What's in a name ?

Nabeesa Zafar.

The image of a 70 year old flashes through my brain. Lying on a bed in some room in a government hospital. Not much hopes, other than a painless death.

“On Strike! On Strike!”.

 The holy chants which get any student excited about the whole day ahead. I, like my classmates, flung the bag on my shoulders and headed for the exit. Outside, the usual sights - huge crowd getting ready to chant ”Principale Murachi”, girls – lined up on the corridors catching up on all the gossip they missed during the weekend, bujis -  waiting to jump the gates, so that they can go home and study. I headed towards the canteen, wanting to gulp down some of the inedible food served there. The way is blocked by two familiar looking faces. Shiyas comes upto me and asks “Eda, you have B+ blood ?” I reply with a simple nod. The next thing i know, i am on the way to the Regional Cancer Centre(RCC) in Medical College, Trivandrum.

Reached there with a couple of my friends around 11 am. Two middle aged people come greet us and take us towards the direction of the blood bank. There i was asked to fill up a form, details about my medical history. When i handed over my form to the doctor i was asked to write the patient’s names. That’s when i first heard it – 

“Nabeesa Zafar”.

The name meant nothing to me, then. I was explained the process where i had to undergo a special kind of blood donation  requiring me giving only the platelets in my blood. It sounded a little different than the normal procedure and it definetely took longer. Being a first time donor, several doubts arised in my mind but i was determined not to back down.

So i was asked to give my blood for testing and reach in the wee hours on the next day because this process took long hours for completion.

I reached RCC by 8 o’clock. Had to buy the kit and take care of somethings.

“Akmal. Akmal Zamrood”

The nurse called out my name. Iniside a room i was taken, where there were a couple of doctors accompanied by lab technicians and nurses. All of them seemed to be studying the machine, which was to be used in the extraction. Without further due, the preps were made, and doctors asked me to relax and i could feel the syringe needle, peircing through my blood vessels and finding itself a comfort spot to stay for the next hour and a half. During the time period my blood had to go through 7 cycles. Each cycle consisting of my blood being forced into the machine, where the platelets are seperated from the rest and being pumped back into my body. Each cycle took 12.5 minutes to complete. During the whole time, i was busy thinking about people who made me happy - trying to keep my B.P. as low as possible. Finally after an hour and a half the doctor tells me that the process is finished and that i can leave. On my way out i see the bag of platelets i leave behind. 250ml of fluid that could save somebody’s life.

As i am escorted out, the middle aged man – Faisal, comes and asks me to accompany him upto the room. I follow him without any hesitation. Upon reaching room no. 4, on the 5^th floor, i enter and see a sight that moved me. Nabeesa Zafar, staring out the window. I wonder what she’s thinking.Maybe about what it is to die. Maybe how painful and unexpected death can be.

 I am greeted by her only daughter. And nabeesa asks me to sit besides her. Faisal, hands me a packet of biscuit and a mini carton of juice to drink. Nabeesa and her daughter enquire about my whearabouts. And after having a chat with them, i offer myself out.

Nabeesa Zafar. 70 years of age. Terminal cancer. Needs a transplant. But doesnt have the required platelet count.

That’s where i fit into the story.

Till then the name meant nothing to me. But now it does.

NABEESA ZAFAR.

Something that will remain in my mind forever will be the first time i donated blood.

Be a blood donor. Save a life.

Being Myself

What is wrong? Why are you so upset? Why are you trying to push me away?

Some of the many questions people asked me in the last couple of weeks.

As much as you have meant to me in the past, it doesn't make much of a difference to me, whether you like my attitude or not. It's just who i am. 

Change is inevitable. I can't remain constant for the sake of being liked. I'd rather change and experience what i am capable of. So if i stare out the window, ignoring you in the process, it doesn't mean that i have anything against you. It's just that i don't care enough about you.

The only people who will accept me whatever way i am, will be the one's that will stick around.

"It's not who you are, but what you do that defines you."- BATMAN [Batman Begins]

Two wheels move the soul

All these years, i have been in the driver’s seat. The pilot of my “NINJA”, as i call it. After a long time, sitting behind someone, without having to worry about the oncoming traffic, the reckless and rash drivers, the changing signal lights, is actually kind of relieving.

Let me introduce the all new 17 bhp, 177cc, 4stroke, 5 speed, devil in black.

Aravind Lalu a.k.a. Lannan’s very own...

APACHE RTR 180 

Means of travelling is now not a problem, i believe. And for lots of travels and adventures yet to come, i would like to share a quote...

"Life may begin at 30, but it doesn't get real interesting until about 150 - Author Unknown"

The ‘NO’ Effect

          

Pas. Nicht. نہیں. नहीं. Όχι. No... 

You can say it in a million different ways. It doesn’t change the fact that you have been turned down. Let it be a question of asking your parents for Rs. 10 or enquiring whether you are allowed to check out a refernce book, that you really need, from the library or even proposing your love to the girl of your dreams – a no is still a ‘NO’. However, the intensity of the ‘No’ depends on how high your hopes are on getting what you just asked for. The more you hope, the more angry you get after rejection.

“Let’s go on a trip.”

“No.”

“Can you do something for me ?”

“No.”

“Why..”

“No.”

I agree. You need balls to say ‘No’ to something. But you need balls of steel to listen to a person that says ‘No’ all the time, and react not even once. And lets just say i am iron man right now.

I didn't ask for much. 3 days outside the city. An empty apartment at our comfort. Some good food. And the company of my best friends.So much of planning. So much of hope. So much of excitement. All of it washed down the drains by the sheer simplicity of two letters that form a word – ‘No’.

Atleast thats what he meant to say. 

It makes me wonder. Am i the one who is wrong ? Am i the one expecting too much from this imbecile?  Crap. Now i am sounding like his desperate girlfriend.

Sometimes i feel as if it was never meant to be, and that all this time it was meaningless. I am glad it happened, the journey was definetely enlightening. But at the end of the day, is it not all about what you want to do? Or is it always about having fun, even if it is at someone else’s convenience.

I knew that there was a time when we would drift apart, like the continents. Just didn’t realise that it could be a heartbeat away.

I have been half-minded till now. But now i know. I have learnt that ultimately all that i have is myself to live with.

Life comes down to a lot of questions.

But you only have two choices.

Yes

Or

‘NO’.